*

i am beautiful and do not need to change.

i understand that no one reads my blog, like at all. so i guess i feel relatively safe to ramble on about stupid things that i shouldn't think about.

lately, i have been looking at quite a bit of thinspo (which is what anorexic girls look at to feel like they have something to look forward to, usually pictures of deeply indented hips and prominent collar bones, sometimes i see photos of girls with protruding ribs. of course, those aren't pictures I like or anything, mostly i just see photos of healthy happy looking girls. and sometimes, if they have a similar body shape to me, i save them. i dont even know why i do it to myself.

I have been on a diet now for four months. I have been on an exercise regiment for four months as well. I have been trying at least 10x more than i was when i wasnt dieting or exercising and i havent lost ANY weight. it is very discouraging.

Now I am reading an article written by a man on why other men should only date skinny girls. It is very disheartening for a human being to think so highly of themselves and try to get other men to join in this shun of the fat chicks. Here's an excerpt;

If I women is fat it means she is out of balance. She can not control herself in some way or another. She will not be able to keep your life in balance and harmony. This is not good for marriage. A skinny girl on the other hand is more humble and can restrict herself more than heavy one. Skinny girls in my experience are nicer people. This is my personal experience. I have traveled and lived a lot and fat girls tend to be bossy and controlling and argumentative. A thin girl is usually more interesting and for my a lot more attractive. People say generally they are more sensual, and being fit is just healthy. These are some of the reasons skinny girls are desirable and stop listening to western feminist influenced media. Go for what you really want in life.

I believe the person who wrote this to probably be a Buddhist. They're very into balance and control. Being that my boyfriend is a Buddhist, I'd say my assumption is pretty spot on. Being that my boyfriend told me that he would like if I were thin, I'd say that that is exactly what that man is. I have really good balance, I was a cheerleader for 2 years. I am quite able to control myself as well. I don't gorge myself on food, I don't even worship food. I am fat on accident and now that I am trying to correct it, it seems I am unable. Fat girls are more humble, in my opinion, we are too self conscious with too low of self esteem in most cases, most of us do not think highly of ourselves at all. Also, being a fat girl, and a former thin girl, I think I have many amazing qualities. I am definitely not bossy, nor am I controlling. And skinny girls can be clinically obese, and rib bones and collar bones shouldn't give dudes boners. Western Culture doesn't ever say to be fat, quite opposite, we are constantly bombarded with diet pills, bikini bodies, anorexic models adorn our fashion. I don't know what other people in the world really think of us, but apparently they have the wrong idea. Every person is different. Thin girls and fat girls can both have the same bad qualities (she's bossy or controlling, she doesn't take too much care of her appearance, she eats too much) just as much as the good qualities (she's so sweet, she is humble, she makes sure that she looks good for you when you come home, etc).


I hate this.

here's the link to the douchebag's article.
I wasn't sure where I was going with this blog at all.

hasta la vista

more like a cancer than love. i have to keep fighting you to get past you. i can't let you win, i cant let you swallow me whole.

when you're a lone and lonely old ghost

fight the urge to fall asleep,
keep crawling back to me, darling
you'll always crawl back even if you never come home
i'll always take you how you are
even if you aren't aching for me
even if you aren't shaking for me
i wish you'd just fake it for me

i am not surprised

yet again, i'm not wanted in a place i should be home. i'll never be wanted anywhere. i should know better than to get comfortable ever again.

This is really what I do.

Breaking bones over your shattered heart
I reach outward in the dark to feel for you
Feeling nothing but the cold air from your fan
Feeling nothing but the emptiness that dwells in me
I lost all I had the day you let go
Left me fragile and bent, yet alive
Alive, but dead inside
I tried to push forth, put my best foot forward
Styled my hair differently, spoke more articulately
Doing all I could to bring you back home
Sure, it was all in my dreams where you could come back
But even there you steered clear
Even then you felt fear
You know I didn't mean it, to push
To shove, to thrust
I didn't mean to break your heart casings
I just wanted to get through
Just wanted to tuck myself inside
Where I could be with you, forever.

January 27th 2009 LJ (finished)

say hello to utah
when the sun shines down on you.
if you don't come back tomorrow,
i don't know what i'll do.

if utah suits you
i don't know what i'll do.
if the other girl can keep you
she's taking a piece of me, too.

if my heart can break in half
then its only cause of you
if you leave me waiting here
i'll hurt a bit, its true

if i'm not easily repaired,
i'll wait around for your glue
broken's not easily fixed
if i'm only breaking for you.

Vacations in Cairo

you're a pillar
in this lonely desert
and i'll climb you until the end
i'll climb you because i can't stand
though i'm covered in your sand
you're the lonely desert and i'll crawl in you while i can.